Embracing the Storms

 

Where to begin this story? Hmmmm, perhaps the beginning of this crazy year 2020? Seems fitting for this particular story, I think?

 

January 2020 brought with it a little excitement, and plenty of apprehension for many. For our family it brought with it a great many secrets lying just beneath the surface waiting to surprise us all and turn what we knew of daily life on its head and spin it like a washer on a spin cycle rattling everything around and on top of it!

 

The year started with some concerning medical developments for my wife Wendy. She was experiencing tightness in her chest, shortness of breath and a fair few other side effects such as dizziness, vertigo, and numbness in her lips and face, which eventually spread to various other body parts. She also had a metallic taste in her mouth with what felt like mouth sores coming on.

 

After a fair bit of troubleshooting, reviewing SDS material documents and such, we settled on it most likely having a substantial tie to her nail business and a few new products she had been using as the main and most obvious culprit. Through discontinued use of these products, and then altogether stopping her part time work we thought it would resolve itself and work its way out in time, initially we truly hoped it may have been the culprit. Our hopes where unfortunately not going to be realized in the way she anticipated. As the conditions persisted, we started looking deeper. After a visit to the urgent care, we were told, “it sounds like you’re stressed and may be getting shingles. Let’s do some blood work, but for the meantime, here are some meds. Good luck.” Well ok then.

 

Now, let’s back up a moment to look at the fall preceding these events, she had decided that 2020 was going to be a new starting point to life. She no longer felt that the meds she had been on for years were working, so why keep trudging along in a haze? It was time to get back to basics and drop all the antidepressants and anxiety meds in lieu of a dietary, nutritional, and healthy activity centered regimen in an attempt to more naturally and hopefully more effectively mitigate the effects of her depression. Through discussion with her doctor, they agreed that this was a viable, realistic and valuable pursuit and alternative. They helped her lay out a plan to come off of them and start towards a new lifestyle and focal point of treatment complete with a tapering off program to her meds. Little did we know that plenty of other events were about to manifest that would perhaps try and push her back to pharmaceutical solutions again as the journey continued.  

 

Almost two weeks after the visit to the urgent care, she experienced the first of many panic attacks. She has had anxiety attacks before, but none to this magnitude. Her anxiety attacks in the past consisted of major stress overload, but none really with visual and physical aspects, these were different. Complete terror is perhaps the only description appropriate. She knew that none of it was logical, but that didn’t seem to stop them from happening. She attributed this to no longer being on her anxiety meds. Going from a state of being constantly numb to essentially any and all emotion, to now feeling EVERYTHING. After this panic attack, she tracked down her primary care physician for a visit. She told him about her visit to the urgent care, he checked the blood work, which looked fine, ordered a chest x-ray and CT scan. As far as the panic went, his words to her were, “I don’t want to say you’re crazy, but I think this is all in your head. Should we try other anxiety meds?” She vehemently refused! She did not want to return to that place of hazy numbness, she had been fighting so diligently to get out of. When the results of the CT scan came back normal, something still didn’t sit well with her and she insisted on an MRI of her head for some sort of explanation. She was seriously concerned that these symptoms were more than just stress. When the MRI came back clean, she knew it was time to figure out how to combat her overwhelming stresses.

 

About the same time as the initial panic attack, she started having daily stomach aches. She would have nightly panic attacks which resulted in waking up with stomach aches each morning. Due to the stomach aches, nausea became her best friend, which resulted in low food intake. Out of the sheer need to continue on with life and be a parent, she dealt with all of this and carried on through the passing weeks. Then COVID hit!

 

With a new school situation dropped on us with the onset of this new viral outbreak, she soldiered on, becoming a homeschool “teacher” to at least two of our four kids. The daily battle of Canvas, i-Ready, See-Saw, and Zoom meetings were overwhelming to say the least. So, to decompress from all that, Wendy started taking daily walks, soon becoming obsessed about this daily activity. One quick trip around the neighborhood soon became miles of exercise, and eventually evolved into running! Along with her ever-increasing exercise, as the weather permitted, she began to immerse herself into yardwork and outdoor activity. Our yard and gardens were looking fantastic! However, with increased exercise comes calorie loss. Keep in mind, she is still battling nightly panic attacks, which resulted in sleep loss, and daily stomach aches. Her food intake was beginning to be a pretty big concern for me. At one point, I asked her what she thought she was consuming during a day. We calculated it out and with her daily exercise, she was barely taking in enough to keep her vital organ functions going! Most days she was barely hitting 800 calories, some days it would be even less, with factoring in exercise it would bring her into the 500-600 calorie range. This was a moment of clarity that started getting me really worried!

 

By mid-April, she had lost entirely too much weight for a small framed petite woman and was quickly turning anorexic, not by choice or mental image issues, but pure inability to eat. Her body literally fought her and made it nearly impossible to eat. The only way she could get anything down was to chase it with gulps of water (which by the way, she loathes)! Over the course of a six-week period she had a stomach which had shrunk up akin to a patient whom had received a gastric sleeve or stapling procedure. For a light weight woman this was quite the predicament to be in. At this point, she had lost about 15 pounds, which is where my nutritional help with keeping her on track became increasingly needed.

 

After realizing how bad the situation had become through discussions with her and the kids it became extremely apparent what the next step was. Working away from home is hard enough on families as it is, this added stress was too much to justify. They needed me home and needed my help. It was time to call off work for a while and come home to help get a sustainable diet back on track, which I thought was going to be a fairly simple task at first glance. I had assumed a little meal prep and stocking the freezer with meals would do the trick and I could return to the daily grind with them having plenty of food options at the ready.  How very wrong I was! The situation had stemmed from stress and anxiety, not from availability of decent food options or indecision, among other physiological inputs compounding the problem and here I sat trying to figure out how to help before she ended up dropping another 15-20lbs and REALLY being in a deadly place from a malnutrition standpoint.

 

Let's address the stresses firing the furnace. Let's be real. Teenagers and their drama can be STRESSFUL. As parents we have never claimed to be perfect. We do well sometimes and then proceed to fail the next. Nobody is exempt from this premise and reality, not you and certainly not I! With our kids we have certainly fought our fair share of battles. Those of trust, friendship frailty, fickle and empathetically devoid friendships, heartbreak for and from boyfriends/girlfriends and all the associated drama and angst which embraces the teenage years of life in all their glorious joy and even the maliciously awful times. We were doing our best to provide a healthy environment and friendship landscape for the older two all in the midst of COVID wreaking its special havoc on the world and bringing the schools to their knees. Here we stood, trying our hardest to raise useful and valuable additions to society with self-value, purpose and joy!! With the advent of the pandemic the social landscape came crashing to a halt. All the contributing stress and mayhem at home coupled with our frustration as we all tried to play a new role to somehow help provide some semblance of education. Each kid performing differently. Some flourishing with the newfound time on their hands while flying through assignments and workloads, while simultaneously another one would flounder and nearly throw in the towel, while failing almost every class. The stress of the year finally ending with the release of school and a temporary reprisal to slight normalcy. One outstanding moment in this would turn out to be an unforeseen and welcome turning moment for the struggling teenager. He finally took the reins of responsibility to heart and rather miraculously pulled off straight A's for the first time in his life. COVID had taught him academic drive! He had finally found a point to schooling and good grades, along with joy, a sense of accomplishment and pride in his success! "Maybe this isn't all bad..." I told myself as the school year ended!

 

It was at this point where I was about to go back to work and yet still just didn't feel right about it. I knew she hadn't slept well; I knew she was nervous. I had NO idea how hard it was hitting her for the premise of me leaving again. I realized just how frail a state she was in mentally as I was about to leave "for just a couple days". Undoubtedly this seemed to her as though that tiny help and lifeline of my help at home with everything was being removed and it was time to sink again. I could see it in her eyes as I chose to stay home.

 

Wendy was still struggling with no appetite and an insurmountable war against it some days. Hoping for relief from this constant strife, with a fierce desire to somehow have a normal eating drive again. We took another trip to the doctor looking for help, perhaps they could recommend a medication to help increase her appetite? We were given Megestrol (more on that later) and once again were told, “It’s just stress” and also, “Have you considered therapy?” Which she had already started to pursue on her own accord and would actually be starting the following week. Wendy, at this point, had lost a total of 22 pounds in about 8 weeks. Of the three doctors she had seen, not one of them thought there might be any pressing medical causes for the issue. With me deciding to stay home until we had her moving steadily towards a better place, she seemed to relax a little and decided not to take the Megestrol, and just focus really hard on her diet and caloric intake.

 

Now homeschooling and teenagers were not the only problem. Wendy was still fighting her daily inner battle over food intake, frequent nausea, and improving mental health. Slowly we were making headway as somedays she simply had to force down the food knowing if she didn't at least manage to meet her caloric intake goal the problem would persist. We worked and aimed to a moderate goal of at least maintaining weight and a hope of exceeding this by a few hundred calories a day if her body would play nice. Our focus was on one day and battle at a time chopped into manageable bite size goals! On many of those days she would barely make it to the humble 1600 calorie maintenance goal. Some days she would sail on by, attaining a near normal dietary standard, by racking up over 2000 (a feat for her no doubt). Seeing her starting to consistently succeed was a moment of triumph for both of us!! She was working so hard and doing so very well all the while pushing about 50% past where she felt comfortable to maintain her current weight. I was so literally in awe of her determination. Her drive gave me hope that we would be clear of this by the conclusion of summer and we would be ready to start anew come fall.

 

Add into this a nasty propensity for night terrors, nightmares and occasional stress outs that she KNEW were completely illogical and you can see the place in which she was dwelling, in this nightmare of mental anguish she was barely staying on top of. Bit by bit she started making connections and correlation to food intakes that were aggravating her conditions and seeing what helped, or what made things worse didn't through dietary elimination techniques and good old trial and error. Low and behold we started seeing that sugars, breads and yeasts were really fueling some of these issues more than their fair share and the omittance of them left her with a much more normal situation. She started to find sleep and peace again! In the end her body gravitated to something akin to a modified ketogenic diet hybrid with whole foods options coming in at a fairly even split of ⅓ Carbs, ⅓ Fats and ⅓ Proteins, often even heading naturally even heavier to the side of more proteins and fats frequently avoiding carbs altogether and still yielding good results for her. With this approach to a modified intuitive eating practice she was discovering balance again! We finally started making progress and the results were real, tangible and even enjoyable!

 

During all of this we returned to her original goal of healthier activities as a viable treatment option. With a hope and reassurance that meds simply weren't the solution anymore! She had taken a break from walking/running because she was afraid it was hurting her more than helping in a caloric intake way, but she knew she needed to continue for her mental health as she was finding peace and calm in its activities and noticing the frustrations creeping in as days of its neglect added up. After discussing this she decided to start again and somehow even convinced ME to join her! We went so far as to sign up for a half-marathon as a goal to keep us going… heaven help me!! Even more improvement began to show at this point! It didn't come without a downside though! The unfortunate side effect to this was she now needed MORE food, which I am sure some days was simply put, THE ENEMY! As I have said for many years though, energy may create motion but in an alternate take on this our motion creates energy itself. Our actions create a sustainable environment to thrive. Her exercise was helping create a drive and happiness I hadn't seen in her in many years. She started to glow in many ways, her negative health aside, she started doing amazingly well. Her attitude had changed entirely. Just months ago, she was so depressed and sad, with an often, glass half empty viewpoint. And yet here she was doing so very well. She had a positivity and healthy outlook again, her very soul kept driving her onwards, pressing her to a more centered, balanced & fulfilled place in many ways. She quite simply knew she was going to get well with her finding peace, harmony and balance again.

 

At the beginning of July however, she took a nose dive again. The stomach aches, loss of appetite and stress returned. After diligently maintaining a weight of 115 pounds for about five weeks, she was worried that more weight loss was in her future. She decided that it was time to try the Megestrol if it would help bring back a normal appetite. It was after taking one dose that I decided to do some research on this medication. I discovered that her one 10 ml dose was the equivalent of a months’ worth of birth control! THIRTY DAYS!! We both knew from prior experience that birth control had not been her friend before, as it gives her a great deal of undesirable and adverse mental health effects. After this one dose and a review of its content and side-effects she decided this was not the right route. As you can imagine, her hormones went crazy. She ended up having two menstrual periods almost right on top of each other in a three-week time span.

 

It was at this point exactly where the big curveball got thrown into the story. I can so vividly picture the man upstairs. He is suited up in a baseball uniform, waltzing up to the pitcher’s mound with a smile and saying softly with a smirk and a knowing grin, “I hope you’re ready, here comes the twist kid... I think you are going you knock it out of the park. Hang on tight”!

 

After losing all that weight and starting to get into better shape we all know what happens to a woman's physique. They start losing the extra curves, yeah? The booty drops off, muffin tops and extra chins melt away, and much to the chagrin of many women... boobs get smaller, and are usually one of the first locations to show that sign! The more petite girls may want to cry for this surely. But this itself would lead to the first step in REALLY finding out what was at play in this game behind the scenes and without our knowledge. As she lay in the tub during a normal evening trying to unwind from the day’s stresses, she randomly comes across one of the greatest gut-sinking discoveries most women fear. As her right-hand glides over her left breast, there it is... as her mind tells her “That’s not supposed to be there!” ...Que reality, tears and worry and a resignment and realization of what lies ahead. The dreaded LUMP. Nestled up under her arm at the rear of her left breast there it is without any shyness or apology. The lump was a stark reality check and one she knew almost immediately was cancer even without being checked out, or diagnosed. She just knew. We hoped that maybe her one dose of Megestrol, (which ironically is given to chemo patients), had made some of the breast tissue react and firm up or become aggravated and had shown up as a lump. Of course, we knew it needed to be checked out regardless.

 

It was this fateful event which had multiple contributing factors to present itself in all its unapologetic showing. However, the primary force at play was her actually dramatic weight loss, NOT the Megestrol. After waiting what seemed to be an eternity between appointments (which had all become more complicated and prolonged due to the Covid-19 protocol hindrances), biopsies, diagnosis and such we finally started to get some answers. It was weeks before we had a diagnosis, but it felt like months, to be honest. When the doctor finally called, he said, “Well it is cancer. We are looking at an Aggressive Ductal Carcinoma. It is not an uncommon cancer, but it’s not really a good one to have. I am now referring you to a breast cancer specialist.” During all the waiting we hadn't told any family what was going on because.... why!? What answers could we give? All we had was a ton of questions at this point. Why stress everyone out and invite them into the dark with us. Waiting this out and trying to lead a normal life for the sake of family and sanity was a brutal task some days. Through this course I was astounded at her resolve to just be a better, more caring and amazing mom to the kids. And I tell you what she nailed it most days too!

 

A person goes through a lot getting to this point. Through all the doctor’s appts and being told, "It's all in your head", "You are just stressed out, COVID has been hard on mental health, would you like to go back on antidepressants again?", "This is common behavior for anxiety and panic attacks", "I think you are at the start of shingles, take this and call me in two weeks", etc, etc, etc... we even asked about that awful cancer word! Could it be? Nahhhhh the blood work looked fine, nothing to worry about. Take these meds and call me if nothing changes. You get the idea I am sure! So, to finally have a name and a face to the unseen enemy was an unsettling and somber moment and at the same time a liberating and validating experience, especially to Wendy, to finally have an enemy to target and an affirmation that it wasn't all in her head! A war was here. Right now, and she was ready to wage a full-frontal assault to the adversary whom had finally shown itself front and center. Squaring up in the arena at that very moment, she was the gladiator and ready to put on one hell of a show.

 

There were plenty of moments of concern, emotion, frustration and fear. Overwhelmingly the feelings tended to center around this amazing woman's previous mindset, however, those of positivity, overcoming and acknowledgment of blessings and opportunity. One would have a difficult time NOT acknowledging the hand of an almighty intervention with the scenario unfolding in front of our eyes. We found out that her form of breast cancer wasn't exactly the best to have. Its name is Triple Negative. Sounds like a smash and grab blockbuster hit with Vin Diesel yeah? Nahhhh, unfortunately not, it's given the name because it does not respond to the typical hormones and impulse signals to grow such as estrogen, progesterone or the HER-2 protein. At first glance that sounds great! Why could this be bad!? Well this particular cancer gives no quarter, no care, zero crap is given here. It grows regardless of hormone signal, which can essentially be fertilizer to cancer, meaning it cannot be manipulated with hormone drugs or assorted surgery. The best and only real ammo for this? The dreaded chemo and surgery to remove. For a petite woman of slight build this would certainly entail a mastectomy, with at least one breast removed. Due to the type of cancer and the location the tumor, a lumpectomy was not an option for her.

 

Well here is the good news and the point where even a fairly agnostic person just a month or two ago would likely start to have questions of divine intervention and existence. Her numbers just didn't match up with what is traditionally observed. Where her type should be behaving at an aggression rating of 85-90% range its acting at a much lower 25% aggression rating range. It is typically one known to eagerly pursue the lymphatic system, and yet had made no such moves. It is normally diagnosed well into Stage 3 if not 4 status! Seriously when the doctor told us it wasn't in the lymph nodes; I really could have quit listening for the day. I was beyond euphoric!

 

After consideration of oncology specialists and surgeons in their tumor board reviews her case was "perplexing". Que the internal dialogue. Self: "Hmmm sounds like the guy upstairs put the pause button on this aggressive bugger and has given us some time to handle it". They chose to forego the usual approach of starting chemo immediately in lieu of performing surgery FIRST to get a true full biopsy on this beast to figure out WHY it was doing. To see why it was behaving in its unique ways as observed and to clear up a few questions from what imaging hadn't been able to show them clearly. We were told that if it was the best-case scenario, we were looking at a Stage 1 cancer. Which for us laymen meant a lighter chemo treatment as well as a shorter duration. However, if it proved to be a different scenario that would present a completely different animal as far as the chemo trip then.... at that point they would then be pulling out the big guns as she would have broken the barrier into stage 2 and with that, treatment intensifies and doses increase substantially. With this difference in staging presenting a significant variant to the treatment approach, all the specialists involved unanimously agreed upon surgery first with a comprehensive biopsy route before chemo.

 

Here's where the mostly warm and fuzzy trip takes a downward twist! During this call they expressed concern about her stomach problems and wanted to know what was wrong with her gut to cause such rapid and otherwise unexpected weight-loss as this was uncharacteristic in her condition. This line of question sent her into an immediate tailspin where she rapidly stepped back in time and progress to the starting place of a few months prior where her gut immediately hurt again and she couldn't eat, nausea was a constant companion again and overnight we started over again. The night terrors commenced almost immediately and we fell back to chaos with one simple phrase, "We want to have a CT of your gut to make sure nothing else is going on". Talk about a total mind-job.

 

After waiting that out for a bit over a week to get into imaging and then MORE time for readings and interpretation we finally got some results, along with a new found improvement to appetite again! The scans all came out clear we couldn't have been happier. No additional cancer, no ulcers, nothing! She was a clean slate in the gut category. The only damage done was a temporary setback in diet and weight management, we did gain a reassurance that her GI was just fine and we could stop any future worry and concerns here, which proved to be a blessing. The mess of emotion and assumptions that pile up at that line of question was substantial. It was a total nightmare of a waiting period as well. Within 3 days we started losing ground on calories and lost another three pounds by week’s end. Which was a crushing blow, especially after holding steady for weeks on end and even gaining a pound! With this addressed, it was quickly closing in on surgery time. She tried confronting the issue of the choices around the mastectomy at hand.

 

We looked to genetic counseling in an effort to help make a decision to have a bilateral (or double) mastectomy or to just focus on the affected breast. In participating in the DNA testing for genetic counseling it proved to be a bit harrowing in some ways. It left her with fear that she was potentially and inadvertently "spreading cancer to her siblings and children", as illogical as that may seem that’s where the mind can easily take you in dark emotional moments. It’s easy to blame yourself for harm you may pose on another person even when it’s not by choice and as inadvertently as a DNA effect would have been. We were told that there were a few red flags to consider in all of this. Her genealogy had a few points of concern. The first was her young age and the fact she was going through this form of cancer which is a bit rarer, that of "triple negative". The second flag was her grandmother passing away from ovarian cancer. Little did we know that ovarian cancer was a rarer cancer in the scope of things from a hereditary standpoint, and one which often carries a more hereditary likelihood to encounter and even potentially tying her to this particular breast cancer. Meaning in reality if this were the case then it perhaps came from her father and with a 50% chance of hitting each of her siblings then that meant her sweet sister might have to worry about this as well. Resulting in increased screenings throughout their lives and with both our daughters front and center. Her head was reeling with ill-placed responsibility of and spreading cancer like a common cold. Not to mention, a positive marker would also result in a partial or full hysterectomy on top of an already possible double mastectomy. When the results came in negative for ANY genetic mutations (including anything gynecological) which would predispose descendants to this likely enemy of cancer, to say that it was a relief was an egregious understatement to say the least.

 

At this point we were feeling pretty amazing. Here's the cancer behaving sluggishly compared to its normal demeanor, not in lymph nodes, not DNA disposed we were left with one last hard decision. Single or double mastectomy. After a lot of discussion, soul-searching and prayer, she opted for a bilateral surgery. This would hopefully clear us of future worry for recurrence and having to repeat the process yet again as so many before us have had to do. As a little cherry to the top we were told something we didn't even know was an option. With her location it was quite likely an option to keep her nipples! How exciting is that!? We were told they would biopsy the tissue on the OR table right there and make a decision if the areola was free and clear of cancerous cells along with lymph nodes as well. If everything looked good there was no need to remove them and they could spare them. This was exciting news!! So exciting that it was the first question she asked when coming out of her lengthy six-hour long anesthesia and procedure. I laughed when she told me her first question was, "Do I still have nipples!?" Apparently, this was wildly important. Hahaha ohhh I love that woman!

 

The news just kept getting better and better. Yeah, she had some moments of pain, emotion and frustration. It’s a natural byproduct of such a severe surgery and altering one at that!! She had a stark realization of her substantial physical mobility limitations post op. She however has healed miraculously fast. All her tissues are doing fantastic. She got to get those horribly annoying drains and tubes pulled within the first weeks follow up visits to the surgeons. Her staging came in after a week and a half wait time. Turned out she is actually in a Stage ONE diagnosis! However, due to her particular cancer and how nasty it can be, her oncologist has stressed that doing a full aggressive chemo may very well be the proper step to assure a healthy future and a thorough kill off of rogue cells to assure her many more years cancer free. 

 

I am confident that upon its completion we both have a new lease on a more meaningful and valuable life together. I value this time to come closer and really appreciate the little things and what matter most. I sometimes lately, feel like the naive 20-year-old young man who first fell head over heels for her all over again.  She has carried herself with grace, optimism and a faith I have seldom seen from anyone. I find myself bolstered up and driven on by her determination and as her situations demand, I count myself blessed to be granted the pleasure to be her buoy and beacon when the darker waters surface. She has done amazing with attitude and positive perception. I greatly acknowledge this is half the power in her prognosis and progress. It’s been an absolute pleasure to participate in this and help her wherever I can. We can often feel unequal to such heavy challenges. Through faith, hope and a lot of help from those closest to us we can truly get through anything no matter the depth and extent.

 

We are surrounded by so many strong and helping hands, both family, friends, loved ones and sympathetic understanding professionals who have aided in her recovery. We have kept this information rather close and guarded throughout the process partially from a place that to begin with we had far more questions than answers and with that comes great potential for stress and negativity. We meant not to harm anyone by keeping it secret, rather we selectively told those whom we had daily dealings about the problems at hand and asked only for positive thoughts, to not dwell on the negative and fears. We have focused on keeping everything as normal as possible and just enjoying our every moment together with each other and with whomever our time and ability permits. We would ask that nothing in our friendships changes and we hope to avoid the awkwardness, pity and sadness that often permeates from a place of misunderstanding and sorrow. Yes, cancer can be scary. The power of the mind and positive thoughts can change even a dire situation into something of meaning and help make things manageable. Yes, she has cancer, but cancer does not have her! We have been lucky beyond description. We consider ourselves so very blessed to have caught this through such random events early. BEFORE it metastasized and permeated the lymphatic system. It’s almost unheard of to have a triple negative diagnosed in stage ONE. We ask for nothing more than your positive thoughts, vibes and for those so inclined, your lovely prayers and fasting. We have felt deeply blessed throughout this journey.

 

2020 has given our family in particular an opportunity to rebalance, to reconnect, and to rejuvenate relationships. Many get lost in the disaster of the COVID pandemic, or the economic uncertainty. Looking to the upsides all around, we see within our family a solid reset and a level of connection with each other that nothing else could have brought about. We were working on this track of progress, but the event of cancer has done nothing short of driving it home even harder. I for one have a greater inner peace than I have known at any prior point in my life. I count myself lucky to be associated with such marvelous friends, family and kids. Truly the blessings of 2020 make the rest of the issues seem paltry in comparison. The lessons I have learned this year cannot be bought, or learned in a book or study. Choosing to follow my heart and care for family first has been its own reward. Would I wish for this to happen? Ummmm no way! However, I will embrace the storm, I will dance in the rain. Its drops literally and figuratively remind me of the blessing it is to really open my eyes and FEEL again. Taking nothing for granted and looking to make each moment NOW matter.

 

Today I give thanks to the Almighty for the blessing this reminder is. I am also glad the journey began before I knew my wife was so very sick! Because this stubborn old coot would have had the resounding pride to walk away from religion and pretend nothing happened, why? Because I refuse to be the hypocritical guy who goes back to church and gets driven to my knees "because my wife is dying of cancer". The Creator’s timing is impeccable if we but listen. My crisis of faith which ultimately began almost exactly 22 years ago, had an amazing end at the most opportune time. Had the intervention of random events and people waited to begin even 8 short weeks later I may have ended up divorced at worst leaving my wife to fight this alone, or at minimum would never have admitted a solution to my problems had presented itself, and would have stayed clear of the Lord’s house for another ten years likely. The timing for this was what my wife needed most as well. She needed a companion and partner in Christ. An understanding shoulder to lean on. At the first of the year I could have and would have readily explained away any prior spiritual and profound moment in my life with ease. It's finally come full circle.

 

Ladies and Gentlemen, Brothers and Sisters.  God is there, he cares profoundly for you, yes, I mean YOU. Just as I know he cares for me. My particular trial I can finally see laid clear. I needed to grow to a point where my understanding could change, where my humility could reach a point where I could finally accept the reality that I will never understand everything, and that we will never be perfect. Nor will the leaders of any secular organization ever be flawless and God can be perfectly frustrated with us bumbling things up once in a while even some of the greatest people we look towards. We all get it wrong sometimes and that’s OKAY! We are all wonderfully flawed pieces of art. Our flaws make us strong, resilient, unique and beautiful. Our failings strengthen us and forge us into unimaginable beings through tempering and working in the fires, if we simply let the Master work the forge. He cares deeply and is listening and speaking in His own way and His own time if we just listen with patience, sometimes even years!

 

This year has brought me to my knees, yet taught me to stand and face the unknown with steadfast resolve and hope. For which I am so grateful! I cherish each day’s journey and gift and pray to receive many more such blessings. 

 

Thank you all,

God bless!  

Wesley Peay